There are other things that get lost

“But when we miscarry, and little ‘evidence’ is available to support a life existed, the support disappears—leaving the mother grieving and treated as neurotic for mourning the very same ‘baby’ who’d been exuberantly cheered for all over Facebook just an hour before.”

This post from Still Standing punched me right in the heart!

I know loss isn’t fun, I get that. I’m not always happy. I don’t always feel things the way people who haven’t had their world crushed, multiple times, mind you, act. It isn’t happy. It isn’t polite dinner conversation. I’ve lost a dear friendship, too. Loss leads to loss, it seems. I don’t blame anyone, but it makes me so sad. It hurts in a different way, but almost as badly. It is, in fact, one of the worst things in the word. Being broken sucks. It is like being consumed by something so like the Nothing from The Neverending Story. Not being able to fill the kind of emptiness that just grows deeper and blacker all the time is the most urgently painful thing I’ve ever felt.

I know I’m not that fun all the time. I wish I was more fun, too.

Believe me. I want to be.

I want to BE happy.
I want to BE a Mama.
I want to BE able to make my husband a Daddy.
I want to BE the kind of friend that doesn’t cry when she finds out you are pregnant.
I want to BE in love with myself and not hate all the parts of me that don’t know their effing job.
I want to BE.

It’s one of the many other things that were lost along with those tiny heartbeats that don’t mean as much to you. The ones that leave me empty and broken.

 

 

Today I am…Being Guided by Faith

20140101-161715.jpg Last year was the first year I selected a word to guide me. I chose RELEASE. I tend to ruminate and I needed a constant reminder to just let things go. I still get stuck, but knowing that I have the power to release myself from yuck really helps!

This year, I’m going with FAITH. I’m excited to see where it takes me, guides me, pulls and pushes me. Faith means so many different things to me, which I’ll be exploring this year.

Do you have a word to guide you? If so, I’d love to know what it is!

 

Thanksgiving Fun and Ready for December!

November…where did you go?

We started off our Thanksgiving week at the movies! Schmoopy took me to see the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special in 3D. It was AWESOME! He had no idea what was going on, but he loves that movie popcorn!

On Wednesday night we joined Schmoopy’s family in Amelia Island, FL for Thanksgiving. I’m a lucky girl to have such an amazing extended family.

It was good to get away, spend time with the kids (who are growing up WAY TOO FAST for this girl), hang out with the sister and brother-in law, Schmoopy’s parents, eat, drink, and just be merry! There was a lot of football going on, which meant a lot of reading, drawing, and cross stitch time for me.

We scheduled family pictures on the beach (my idea) and they were horrible. Well, I thought I was horrible in the pics. The selfies I took rocked, but the pros got me all wrong! What a total downer that was! You know how I love pictures, too! UGH! Most of the family pics came out great, so everyone else was pretty happy. I looked at them, cried, and took a nap. Yup. True story!

I’m ready for the Christmas Season to get going! This means I’ll try really hard to finish my December Daily album this year (I always have the best intentions…), complete the December 30 Days of Lists, and two daily prompt-based challenges: FatMumSlim’s Photo a Day and Ello Lovey’s Doodle a Day. Am I insane, yup! Will I make it? Maybe. Either way, tis the season and I’m happily jumping in (with a little bit of Grumpy Cat here and there, I’m sure!)

What have you got going on in December? 

*I use InstaCC for my monthly photo collages, like the November one at the top of this post. It is really cool. It pulls all of my pics from Instagram and throws them into a calendar for me. YAY! Also, I received no compensation for anything in this post. Just me and my crazy ideas.

More Mandee Monday-Soft Kitty Edition

More Mandee Monday-Soft Kitty Edition!

It’s that time of year when I’m just plain exhausted! The school year is winding down (I’m an 8th grade teacher) and Spring is starting to spring! We just finished a round of icky standardized testing, which never fails to make me tired!

Yankee Jane my Soft Kitty

And, my dear, sweet, adorable kitty, Yankee Jane, is very sick. Her lungs are shutting down and we’re not sure why. She’s on antibiotics and steroids. If you know cats, you know they HATE taking medicine. She really hates it. I have the scratches and bruises to prove it! Yankee is my baby.  When I moved to Atlanta in 2000, I was terribly lonely. I found Yankee in a McDonald’s parking lot scarfing down a burger. She was tiny, filthy, covered with fleas, and totally wild. It was love at first sight. She attacked everyone who came near her for months. She beat me up while I slept. She terrorized me at every turn. But, when she would go to sleep, she would curl into a tiny ball, grab her little fuzzy tail between her paws and start sucking on it like a pacifier. Heart=Melt. She still does this, even now that she’s 12. She finally started to calm down, after I brought another wild kitty home, Shakespeare, who is huge and lazy and a super snuggler, but mainly when she decided that she was my Mommy and I needed taking care of, too.

Sunshine Kitties-They have such tough lives!

So, last week and this week I’m feeling exhausted. I need someone to come sing Soft Kitty to me and my Yankee Jane! I think I’ll go home, curl up with a good book, and snuggle with my kitty cats!

Follow My Book Blog Friday Hosted by @parajunkee & @alisoncanread

Today I am…trying something new! Follow My Book Blog Friday! Sounds super fun!

I’m totally confused, but I’m just going for it!
Two of my fave book bloggers, Parajunkee and Alison Can Read host this weekly Feature & Follow.

I’m jumping right in this week! 

The question of the week is:

When you’ve read a book, what do you do with it? (Keep it, give it away, donate it, sell it, swap it..?)

Since I’m a teacher, I usually end up bringing the books I read to school. I read mostly YA & MG. Almost everything I read is OK for middle schoolers. When I really love a book, I will keep a copy and buy another for my classroom. I visit the libraries at least once a week, too. So I have to give those back!

What do you do when you finish a book? 

I hope you join me by clicking away and checking out all of these great Book Bloggers! 

Today I am Tired!

This week has been awesome, for real life, but today I am tired.

I found myself wishing I was snuggled in my bed with my meows READING. I found myself wishing that, like, all the time!
Doesn’t that sound amazing?! Alas, it was not to be.

I really wanted to finish my awesome Monday book. That hasn’t happened, either! I stayed up reading way too late several nights this week. Another reason I’m tired, but always so worth it.

I got to see one of my BF’s from middle school & high school last night. Her awesome parents and amazing kids joined us, too. That was super fun! Totally worth it, but did add to my sleepiness!

My other *wishful* thought this week that just may be keeping me up at night…I just cannot wait until my iPad arrives so that I can bring tons of books with me wherever I go. Schmoopy really outdid himself with that anniversary gift (even though it wasn’t Bling and it didn’t follow the traditional anniversary gift rule!).

Today I am tired, but I’m happy. And I’m surrounded by the people and books (and the Bling & meows) that I love.

So, that totally rocks!

Today I am thankful

Today I am thankful that my parents let me read banned books, old books, over my age limit books, books that I should have outgrown, books that nobody else let their kids read, silly books, awful and trashy and horrible books, really just any books.

I am so thankful for their reading! My mom reads anything she can her hands on (and I was proud to be able to put a Kindle in her hands this year). My dad read magazines and trade publications and loved audio books on long car trips (he usually got the gist of it, but he never really paid much attention to the details).

They were readers. Now I am a reader. I get to inspire others to read.

THAT TOTALLY ROCKS!

Today I am thankful for my awesome parents and their love of reading. That is a feeling that is better than all the Bling in the World!