Ginger, from GReads!, has these awesome TGIF posts with really fun questions! I’m jumping in again this week, but with a warning: My answer isn’t a happy one. So, if you don’t want to read something sad, and I don’t blame you, then go ahead and skip this post.
I started my book blog when I was going through a time of personal and emotional HELL! What started out as the best year of my life, quickly feel apart. In short, I had my dream job and Schmoopy and I were finally (finally, finally, finally after years of trying) going to have a baby. It was a time of true peace and bliss in our lives. It didn’t last.
There were plus signs and blood tests. There were ultrasounds and heartbeats. There were 13 weeks of complete euphoria. I was one of those annoying pregnant people that smiled every time I puked. It was just like heaven.
Then we went to visit to a new doctor for some testing (since I’m in the “kinda old to be pregnant” category, we needed to get some extra tests done). During the ultrasound, the tech, who we didn’t know, was making that “uh-oh” face. She said she’d be right back. I knew something was wrong. We were told by another stranger (a very nice doctor that I can’t help but despise) told us that our baby had no heartbeat. There aren’t words to describe this. We were broken. We were completely and utterly broken. Broken and shocked. This wasn’t supposed to happen. That was September 29, 2010. I had surgery on October 1. The recovery was awful. I was deeply depressed. I was in pain, both physically and emotionally. I really was broken. There were nightmares, and pills that made me feel like I was being stabbed, and people that said the most horrible things. If you aren’t sure what I mean by this, please check this post by Devan at Unspoken Grief. There was a lot of healing that needed to happen in my heart and mind. My body was working against me and it seemed that everyone else was, too. If someone you know tells you that they’ve miscarried, love them, support them, express how truly sorry you are, and more than anything, keep your opinions and advice to your self.
As my world shattered (this may sound extreme, but it is actually an gross understatement), my work was also falling apart. My position wasn’t going to be renewed (budget cuts) and I was told that I’d be spending the rest of the year filling in at different spots throughout the building. Just like that, the dream job was slipping away, too. Isn’t there some saying about how long the fall is when you are on top of the world?! At almost the same time, my personal and professional life crashed.
Real depression is painful. It hurts. It also makes everyone who loves you hurt, too. Sometimes it brings out the worst in people. I will never understand why, but it’s true. Simple human kindness isn’t as common as I always believed it to be. And at the same time, the kindness of strangers is sometimes so powerfully beautiful that I almost can’t comprehend it. I’ll never know why some people act the way they do, especially when someone is in so much pain. I do know that most people are kind. I also know that I don’t have room in my heart or life for those that are unkind. What a horrible learning experience. I cannot even explain how amazing my husband was during all of this. I was completely broken and he stayed so strong. I know now that his heart was just as broken as mine, but I couldn’t do anything but breathe (and some days that was a struggle). He was perfect. He was everything I needed him to be. He found his healing through helping me. He really is my greatest blessing. I love that man!
In the spring of 2011, when I was just beginning to feel human again, I decided to start something positive. My love for reading and a silly little tradition of me taking pictures of my engagement ring (When Schmoopy and I got engaged, I started posting pictures of our Adventures in Bling!) came together into this blog. It was such a major part of my healing. I’ve met so many amazing people and learned so many new things. It’s been a little over a year now and I’m still learning as much as I can and trying to interact with as many wonderful people as possible.
That’s the long, sad story of Books and Bling! There is still healing to be done, unanswered questions about our future family, and lots to learn. Wow, this really made me feel better!
While this journey was born out of true tragedy,
it really is leading to a very happy ending!
Please remember to be kind, always!