I probably suck for this, but…
I don’t do Baby Showers.
I haven’t gone to a baby shower since we lost baby Hope when I was 14 weeks pregnant. 10.01.10: The worst day ever.
I used to go to them. All the time. I loved to plan baby showers for friends. I have always been baby crazy. Just the thought of one of my friends being pregnant would send me into a whirlwind of excitement! I’m was so totally YAY! BABY!
Now it just hurts. It makes my whole body ache. I grieve all over again. I have to remind myself to breathe. I’m not being dramatic. This pain, this most awful reality, is so very real and vivid and painful.
I hope that you don’t know this level of pain. Not anyone. Not ever. Unfortunately, I know so many that do. And so many more that struggle with infertility. It isn’t fair, not even a little bit.
I’m happy for my pregnant friends. I’m even happier for the ones that get to experience that same kind of innocent excitement we were blessed with for the 14 weeks I was pregnant. For those friends that are pregnant after a loss (or two, three, more), I am endlessly excited for you. Soaring with you. Worrying with you. Praying all the while, for all of my pregnant friends with love. So much love.
So, I probably suck for this, but I don’t do baby showers. I don’t because they hurt my entire everything. I don’t because it isn’t about me. Some sad and distracted friend in the bathroom crying isn’t exactly baby shower material. It pains me when my friends apologize for being pregnant. That awkward phone call, even though we haven’t spoken in a while. The “I have something to tell you” or the “I wanted you to know before we announced it.” That almost kills me. Every time. Not because of me, but because of you. The idea that I am loved enough to be called and coddled. That someone would almost downplay one of the most amazing things ever. It KILLS ME. A baby shower is not about me. It’s about pure joy and the amazing awesomeness of a life being built. Dreams and wishes and everythings. Baby showers aren’t for me right now.
I hope, one day, to be pregnant again. The kind of pregnant where you get a healthy baby at the end. And I hope I get to have a baby shower. I hope everyone will come, but I won’t think you suck if you don’t do baby showers.