I’m not (that) broken…

097 Infertility sucks.

 

That’s putting it nicely. When your body refuses to do its job, it is hard to deal with. I’m a woman, I’m supposed to make babies. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to throw my gender back to the dark ages, promise! It’s just what I want, more than anything in this world. I want to be a mommy. A Mommy. I was pregnant once, for fourteen beautiful weeks, with sweet baby Hope. It almost happened.

Quite often, I just feel broken. There’s a meme for this…YOU HAD ONE JOB! Sometimes I yell this at myself. Hey, uterus, YOU HAD ONE JOB! You, too, ovaries: ONE JOB! And the kicker is, I can’t fire them and hire parts that work. It is maddening.

We are seeing a specialist. We did IUI. I’ve lost 22 pounds since May. I’m eating healthy. I gave up Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper. Sometimes I have dreams about DDP. They are glorious! I’m down to one cup of coffee a day. I’m taking a fist full of meds several times a day that make me hot and emotional. Now I’m sweaty and I cry a lot at things that are completely ridiculous (like there aren’t any napkins or that the cat won’t sleep with me). Poor Schmoopy! That man is a saint!

My story isn’t unique. It’s actually quite common. That’s why I am sharing. So many people have, as politely as possible, questioned me as to why I’m putting all of my secrets out there so publicly. Actually, I’m quite an Instagram junkie (@ohmandee) and I’ve been recording this struggle under the hashtag #gethealthygetbaby. I’m sharing because I need to. I’m sharing because I keep getting emails from beautiful, amazing, brilliant women who are going through this horrible thing, too. I’m not alone. We’re not alone. So many women tell me they are ashamed that they can’t get pregnant or stay pregnant. I get that. I’m not writing this to complain, either. I’m thankful for these medicines and procedures. I’m thankful that I even have a chance of getting pregnant.

I’m writing this because I’m not broken and neither are you. We’re  just who we’re supposed to be, actually. Psalm 139:14 “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

Whatever your struggle is, know that you are not broken. You are just what you are supposed to be. If you want to change something, change it. Become that beautiful, amazing anything you want to be. It isn’t easy, it doesn’t always work, but you have every reason to go for it.I have beautiful, amazing friends who remind me of this daily. They are true blessings to me. I pray that all of you have such friends.

This was quite rambling, I know. But my heart tells me that it needed to be shared.

Take care of you, please, you are so loved! xo

Comments

  1. Hi Mandee,
    Rinnester here. I just wanted to say thank you for such a beautiful post. You are not broken, and I know it must be difficult to share all this but it is also very inspirational. I follow you on Instagram and I am praying that you will get the baby you so longed for along with other IG friends. I know a lot of my friends who are and have had difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant. You are certainly not alone. Keep strong, girlie! (((Hugs))).
    I just wanted to share you this post of mine:
    http://rinnesbliss.blogspot.com/2012/01/remembrance.html
    It’s not quite the same thing. But again, you are not alone.

    Love, Corinne

    • Hi Corinne,
      Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your beautiful post with me. We honored our baby Hope with a memorial brick in the Angel Garden at a local cemetery and did a balloon release, too. Sending you my love! xoxo~Mandee

  2. Well said and no, you are not broken. Neither am I although it certainly feels so some days. I had been told for years that I might have fertility issues due to endometriosis. I got pregnant immediately with my son. He’ll be 4 in a few days and I’m so grateful. But our journey for a 2nd has been a struggle with months passing and two miscarriages. I was found to be clear of the endometriosis when I had surgery to remove a tumor from one ovary when D was just shy of 6 months. I have no idea what is ‘wrong’ now other than the timing just isn’t right which is frustrating to say the least. You are definitely not alone and I am thinking of you & following your journey on Instagram. Huge hugs & love.

    • Hi Sarah,
      This journey is such a hard one that so few understand. It feels so lonely sometimes. Thankfully, we have love and support!
      I’m praying for beautiful healthy babies for both of us!
      xoxoxo~Mandee

  3. It took me a year + to get pregnant with my son (on hormones the entire time). I’ve got friends that had more trouble than I did. It’s a journey and not always an easy one. Good luck and keep trying. You’re not alone.

  4. It took me a year + to get pregnant with my son, on hormones the entire time. It’s a journey and not always an easy one. Good luck and keep trying, you’re not alone.

  5. Smash Attack
    Twitter: SmashAttackAsh
    says:

    *hugs you hard*
    You are so admirable and I am happy that you got this off your chest. I think writing can be a great coping skill, even if it is short-lived. You are one of the most positive people I have ever met, so seeing how this has affected you is just damn terrible. I want so much for this to happen for you. I am constantly thinking of you and I am putting all the positive vibes I can muster into the universe, and pointing them at you. <3

  6. I’d say don’t stress but that’s just silly. My girlfriend just went through the same thing. A few years ago she had an eptopic pregnancy that almost killed her. She lost that tube in the process and it became really hard for her. She finally got in to see a specialist and put her on a diarrhetic to help get rid of cysts on her ovaries. She got pregnant the same month. She thought it would be months though. It seems like you’re on the right track. You’re not broken everyone is just created differently. “Worst case” you can adopt a baby that needs a good home with loving parents. My body can’t handle being pregnant so if I ever change my mind about wanting another one we are adopting.

  7. This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your story.

  8. Great post and I applaud your openness. There’s such a stigma surrounding infertility. It’s such an isolating experience, especially when all of my friends and sisters have gotten pregnant so quickly and easily. My husband and I are currently trying to adopt.

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